To Whom it may concern:

My name is Kenneth Snipps and I play the tuba in a polka band.  My neighbor, Mr. Biggs, has informed me that you have musical guests perform prior to Rock Cat ball games on the field of play.  Therefore, I think you should hire my band: Kenneth Snipps and the Masters of Polka.  

We play a wide variety of polka music including Bobby Vinton as well as modern songs too!  We are currently rehearsing “Black Hole Sun” and I play lead tuba.  However, that song is not ready for performance because I need to continue exercising my lungs.  During the last rehearsal, I blacked out and slipped into a coma.  I am better now.  The benefits of us performing are that the fans and the players will be inspired because of our music.  I know I am.

Recently we played at a place called the Tool Box.  At first I thought it was a costume party because all the patrons were male and dressed in pastel colors.  There also seemed to be a great deal of leather.  Later I learned it was a bar because they served alcohol.  

Despite the intense odor of smoke and exotic oils, it was a nice place with paintings and pictures on the walls of Madonna, Susan Powter, and Princess Diana.  Apparently they do not get many performers there as they were hooting and howling all night.  The people in the back room were cheering so loud they sounded in pain.  

A man named Raul mentioned that he really enjoyed how I gripped the tuba between my thighs.  If you know anything about the tuba then you are aware that it is not easy to play.  I can do it because I have great retention, and I am a swimmer.  

Consequently, Raul wanted to know if I gave private performances.  I told him that I do not perform sequestered shows as the band does everything together.  Any deal like that would have to include my bandmates and the rhythm section.  Raul then mentioned that he would be having a pig roast and wanted to know if we would perform.  On behalf of the band, I agreed.  

Hence the reason for this letter.

We would like to play at your ballpark before and during a game as a warm-up to the pig roast.  

As you can see we are very popular.  Not just because we are good musicians but because we are nice people.  I had them put that on our business cards, it is a motto.  

Apparently, the boys from the Tool Box have worked out a dance routine and they would like to perform it with us.  Raul said they would like to try it out on a small audience before the pig roast, and I thought a Rock Cats game would be perfect.  The dance will have thirty performers; a bathtub of body paint, a ring of fire, one stick of dynamite, a garden hose, three midgets, and a medium sized donkey.  Please be advised that this routine will be performed during the National Anthem.  

We fully realize the need for efficiency and are prepared to record our performance in advance and simply lip sync, just like at the Super Bowl.  The pig roast is in late July; as a result, your response is needed soon, so we can make the appropriate arrangements.
 
 

       Bringing polka and fun to the people,

       Kenneth Snipps