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By Michael Hand
I never understood how a man could stay with the same woman for any amount of time.
Sex is a relationship killer. After a guy has sex he wants to go to sleep. Why?
Because heís already gotten everything he wants out of life for that moment.
He doesnít want to talk to her. Sometimes he wants to cuddle (if heís really cold),
but sleep follows very quickly. Itís the chase thatís exciting.
What the hell is foreplay? Foreplay is chasing a woman you know you canít have.
Thatís foreplay. And if you succeed you get a reward.
Who cares if the reward lasts three minutes? It feels great!
The cavemen did it best. They knew what they wanted and they took it.
If they couldnít have it, they fought for it. They wanted sex.
You see a cavewoman, you sneak up behind her while sheís taking a
drink out of a river or something, and you just stick it in a couple of times.
Thatís it! Then you go home and sleep really well before the hunt the next morning.
Thatís why it only lasts three minutes for us guys. There wouldnít be any human life on the planet
if we had to ďbuild upĒ to it. Every time two cavepeople tried to get it on,
they would have been trampled by a wooly mammoth or something.
Itís not conducive to survival! You should be able to do your business and move on.
Thatís why sex is the big relationship killer.
Men were not meant to have sex with the women they have relationships with.
Thatís why we canít keep our eyes off of other women when weíre with our girlfriends.
We were meant to have sex with the women we donít have a relation ship with.
That must be it. How else can it be explained?
Women complain that the sex in their marriage isnít good anymore.
It probably never was any good. But, they stay together. They have to.
Now they have kids and a house and theyíre locked in together.
Yes, they love each other and they care deeply for one another
but they werenít meant to have sex. The guy sometimes realizes this and he goes off
and starts banging stewardessesÖexcuse me, flight attendants.
Itís not because he doesnít love his wife, because most of the time he does.
Itís because there is nothing more primal than sex.
I have discovered the meaning of life and it is sex. Sex is the reason we are here.
Sex, sex, sex. That is the meaning of life. Without it we wouldnít be here, plain and simple.
We were put here merely to survive. Just like the little titmouse who canít find
his erection to put it anywhere, we are here to procreate.
Sure, you say, but eventually we will be able to survive without copulation.
Babies will be grown in test tubes. Who the fuck wants that?
We need sex to survive.
Whether or not a baby is actually made doesnít matter Ė it feels good!
Maybe someday Iíll find a woman to who makes me feel differently about all of this.
Maybe not. But I will tell you this:
Until then, Iím going to make the best of my manhood and
sneak up on as many thirsty cavewomen as possible.
The editors of
Tonight on the Web
realize this editorial
is going to piss off a lot of woman
(and maybe even a guy or two...if they're wimps)
and we want to hear from you!
Submit your comments to us by e-mail
and we'll include the best ones on a
"Response" page next week.