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On October 19th, 1964, William Joseph Moran Jr. was born in Mineola, NY. This smiling brash baby boy was born to the proud parents of Mr. & Mrs. William J. Moran Sr. of Bay Side West Queens, NY; neither the parents nor their doctors realized just then how happy that day truly was. Indeed, little did the world know what was in store for it in the not so distant future.
Bill developed at a highly accelerate rate. By third grade little Bill had his first attempt at running for public office. He ran for head of the student counsel (an office he created for that age group) on the platform of "Vote for me, because if you don't, I know where you live.". His dreams were shattered however, after evidence of ballot box stuffing was discovered & several of his opponents turned up missing. Bill vowed that this setback this early in his life was just a minor stumbling block, & that true greatness was sure to follow him. How right he was.
In 1974, Bill gave his now famous "I Have a Theme" speech at Shea Stadium in New York. Although the attendance for the speech was bleak at best (74 people, mostly consisting of groundskeepers, parking attendants, & food vendors), Bill reminded everyone that the number of people showing up was "..not the point.." & that the point was "....getting my parking validated, & preparing for the future...".
By 1979, the writer that had always been trapped within Bill escaped. He launched his 11 volume series of pop-up children's books entitled "The Monsters in Your Head". Sales in the first 4 months were brisk; but so were returns & lawsuits. It seemed that the vibrantly real characters of the books where, at their mildest, causing children to have bed wetting nightmares; & at their most severe, causing children to form small zombie-like armies that would march into villages screaming for the head of Ava Gardner. When they were not appeased, they would burn the villages to the ground. Setback, but not stopped, Bill again was positively looking towards the future.
In 1983, Bill bought a small beverage company in Broken Dreams Vermont. He purchased it at an IRS auction for $150. It seemed that the company's line of gravy flavored soda's were not the rage they could have been, but the machinery was in good shape & Bill, as always, stepped to the plate with a grand plan to get the company back on it's feet. Firing the entire flavor division of the organization, Bill set to work on the new direction & new flavors he had planned for the company. The result was, of course, "Chocolate-Bob". All six flavors of "Chocolate-Bob" were an immediate hit. Sales where rivaling V-8 sales in the North-East & it seemed that nothing could stop its popularity from spreading to the rest of the country; that was until the FDA stepped in. It seemed that the FDA was investigating a string of toxic poisoning claims in a "..unrelated.." case, when they happened across Bill & his factory. After it was discovered that many of the victims were avid drinkers of "Chocolate-Bob"; the FDA demanded to know what was in the highly popular & delicious beverage. Bill, believing that competitor companies just wanted his recipe, refused to disclose the ingredients. The FDA then swiftly closed the factory. Bill struggled in vein to form a protest march. But since most of his consumers where on donor organ waiting lists, turnout for the protest was rather light. Desperate for cash, Bill sold the factory & "Chocolate-Bob" to a Swedish lubricants manufacturing firm. They now market "Chocolate-Bob" under the name "Zuumer-Bob" in Europe, Canada, & 52 Latin American countries as the finest snowmobile-engine lubricant money can buy.
From 1986 to 1995, Bill had kept many of his plans for the future on the back burner until he could muster up enough cash to bring them into fruition. "..This was Bill's most creative time for work ever recorded..", says Chet Uncas, curator for The Bill Moran Museum & Hall of Useless Research in South Plains Montana. "...since he applied for nearly 300 patents in this time frame,I can only surmise that he must not have slept for months. Given all the inventions he gave to our society during that period you can see why I wanted this job.."says Uncas. Indeed the list of inventions are extensive & impressive. Many are items we take for granted today. Such as: The Pocket Laundromat, The Electric Sponge Sharpener, & The Thigh Polisher, just to name a few.
1996 showed Bill some much deserved prosperity. He invented a roller coaster in which the car remained perfectly still & the track (hills & all) passed below the car. A Polish senior citizens rest home bought his idea & paid him handsomely for it. He then rolled those profits into "Bill Moranland" currently under construction in Laddleprawn Minnesota. When finished, it will chronicle Bill's life & achievements.
While waiting for the final swamps to be drained for the completion of the theme park that bares his name; he finds himself with little to do, so in typical form, he lends his talents to a small comedy troupe in Connecticut. At this we can see more of the seemingly endless remaining hidden talents that are Bill Moran.
